Hospital Again

I rang our small hospital and they told me to bring her in right away. As we drove the few miles to get there, she once again turned to me in the car and said, "I love you."

"I love you too." I replied, my heart heavy. My mind was in turmoil.

They admited her to the small emergency ward and ran the usual admission tests. Then I had a long talk with the doctor on duty, who happened to be our own lady doctor. We canvassed the possibilities - amputation, or let the disease take its course.

I felt within me a stong resistance to putting her through surgery. And something kept saying, "For what purpose? What quality of life does she have to warrant putting her through all that just to keep her alive?" I told Doctor Alison how I felt and she concurred - "We'll get her on morphine for the pain," she said, "and we can always rethink it." It isn't easy having someone's life in your hands.

After I got home that evening - a beautiful, warm February evening - I walked up onto my hill below the big rock. My last few goats were grazing quietly there and I thought of the many times Kath and I had moved the flock around our small paddocks in our farming years.

I sat down on the grass not far from where they were and looked out over

the Waiare Valley to the distant hills beyond.

This property has been in my family since 1969 and I know my parents loved it as much as I do. I needed to be outside, to feel the power of the earth and its Creator, to ground myself for the decision that still lay upon me.

It's very hard to decide to "do nothing" when the inevitable outcome is going to be the death of a loved one. I must have sat there for half an hour, thinking and praying. Finally as I got to my feet I was able to say, "Lord, thy will be done." ... and mean it.

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