Keep Calm?

I often wonder to myself about the effects on the carer of having to bite one's lip all the time. I know on occasions I have taken out my feelings of frustration and anger, out of my mother's direct line of vision, by slapping or punching something inanimate. But I can remember one day when things really got to me, I opened my mouth, took a deep breath, and let out a big, long scream - for as long as I had wind to carry on.

I have never - ever - been a screamer, but I do have a good pair of lungs, having walked the high country in my former life in Wellington.

I was about 6 feet from my mother at the time, and while I did this she sat calmly in her chair watching. As soon as I finished she looked at me completely deadpan and said, "Well, I have never done anything like that." Always matter-of-fact, my mom.

This floored me. I bit my lip. No mother I'm sure you probably haven't but then you have never been where I am either. If I remember right, your mother had to look after herself. Well, I certainly didn't scream for effect - it was a reaction out of pure frustration and despair - but the response was an education to say the least.

So I have gradually learned that it's absolutely pointless to expect any kind of reaction when MY feelings or health are at stake. And that is actually quite hard to take - probably one of the hardest things the Carer has to get used to. It's like the final straw on the back of the "overworked and underpaid" camel. It reinforces the feeling of being alone if you have no partner for support, and it does nothing for the Carer's self-esteem and sense of worth.

My mother is quite a light sleeper, and if I'm ever awake in the night I'm very careful to make no noise whatever for fear of waking her up. But I can think of at least 2 nights when I've had to leap out of bed several times and throw up quite violently in the bathroom about 20 feet from where she sleeps, and she managed to sleep blissfully through THAT on both occasions!

Maybe the Alzheimers psyche develops some kind of self -preservation mode that selects for processing only information that is useful for its own wellbeing ... Come to think of it, in an organism that's operating well blow par, that makes sense.

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