I've talked about my mother's hysterias. These are pretty much "full on" dramas. She also has a more low key version, which occurs quite frequently. In fact, her "raves" are pretty regular and predictable - mostly when she has lost immediate contact with someone else to use as a point of reference and validation. It must be an awful situation to be in. For me, I just don't know how much she's aware of what she's doing.
If I go out of her sight, it isn't long (about 2 minutes max) before she starts up -usually calling out "Is anybody there?" "Help!" or "Come on! Come on!" - a call we used to herd our dairy goats together. If I have work to do upstairs, like baking or washing dishes, I can hear the commotion down below. Then I know I don't have much time to get the job done.
The same thing happens if I take a rest during the day. I often work till about midnight, but my mom never sleeps in. And once she wakens - 5.30 or 6.00 am - I have to be awake. Add to this the strain of being basically on duty 24/7 plus online work and you can maybe see that sometimes I really begin to fade after lunch. If it gets really bad, I just have to lie down on my bench/bed.
I am still only a few feet from her, but as soon as I lie down, I become "invisible", and then it starts. I have been amazed at times by her capacity to keep up a running diatribe, sprinkled with the words and phrases I mentioned above, for probably half an hour on end.
Sometimes I cave in and get up again. Sometimes I am so exhausted I just lie there drifting in and out of sleep with an unrelenting wave of sound washing over me. It has occurred to me more than once that if someone came into the room while this was going on, they would probably brand me as "uncaring" because there I was sleeping while my poor mother was having hysterics. I remember one day waking up and lying for a few moments listening. It dawned on me with full force that in the olden days they would have called her "mad" - if any of us know what "mad" really means. It's amazing what we get used to - and what we conceal from ourselves, too.
As a final addendum, I've often asked her, "Did you know you have been calling out?" Her unfailing answer has always been "No." It's hard to know if this is an honest answer, and she really does not know what she's doing from one minute to the next, or if it's a childlike cover-up.
Living in this kind of Alice-in-Wonderland world can really make you wonder sometimes if YOU'RE going nuts. I am reinforced in this by my dear neighbour who has very recently started dealing with the first signs of Alzheimers in his wife. I try to support him as much as I can, especially by calling in and being there for him to talk to. He said the other day that there are times he wonders if he's losing it.
Have no fear- it comes with the territory.
- - -
Technorati Tags:
alzheimers, alzheimers care, dementia, caregiver, alzheimers disease
No comments:
Post a Comment